It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
