did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
