i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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