I wish life had little blips of pornography
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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