oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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