I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
