We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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