eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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