On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
