he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
