Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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