I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
