it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
