Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
