Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
