3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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