i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
