You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
