Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
