I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
His hands were made for my vagina.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
