You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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