I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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