I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize