R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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