o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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