we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
