I could make wine with my vomit
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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