I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
