I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You dont lie about slip and slides
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
