I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
