He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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