I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize