In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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