So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
