wakey wakey hands off snakey
This house was built for laser tag.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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