he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
