My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
