our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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