Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
