I think I died a long time ago.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
