Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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