No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
