i think my tv is drunk
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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