worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The air taste purple.
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