If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize