I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
