So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
