So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize