I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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