Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
