I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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