i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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