hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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