i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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