if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
