Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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