I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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