you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
