WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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